Work on your Poker Face.
Nobody Said Parenting Was Going To Be Easy.
The title of this blog post is the BEST ADVICE I can give you when dealing with your defiant 2-3 year old.
WORK ON YOUR POKER FACE!
So, as our kids start to realize that they too have power over things (people, situations, objects) ALL BETS ARE OFF.
I’ve come to associate that little “twinkle in my son’s eye” and the smirk on his face with - “Shit! Here it comes!”
Let me throw out a little scenario in our household;
We sit down at the table to eat lunch.
Daddy - “Buddy, eat your orange please.”
(A twinkle in his eye…as he grabs the whole orange and lifts it up as if he is going to throw it.)
Daddy - “Don’t you throw that orange.”
(He rears his arm back.)
Daddy - “If you throw that orange you are going to a “Timeout.”
Son - “I throw it.”
(He SQUEEZES the orange before throwing a perfect strike from the kitchen into the living room.)
Inside I am LIVID. I mean, my mind has become the mouth of the filthiest sailor this side of the Andes Mountains.
But, I know that I can not show him that he has gotten a rise out of me.
I also know that his brain isn’t fully formed. And although he may look more mature than he did at 2 and, yes, he may understand more than he did a year ago, his “Logic” skills are still not there.
So, is it “Defiance?”
Not really. It is more a level of knowing the steps, but not connecting them.
The concept of Executive Function (see previous post) comes into play. But it is not just his inability to differentiate directions, it’s also his desire to assert himself. Which, as unfortunate as it is for the cleanliness of our home, is a normal and healthy thing.
Besides, he is experimenting. ALL OF HIS LIFE AT THIS POINT IS EXPERIMENTING. It really is what we want him to do.
“What happens when I throw this egg at the floor?”
“What happens when I go in my sister’s room when she tells me to ‘GET OUT’?”
“What happens when I let the water flow over the sink?”
….and most importantly, “How will Daddy react when I take a piss in my bed on purpose?”
Poker face.
Don’t show him that you are (extremely) upset by his behavior. Pick him up. Say “We don’t do that. You are going to a timeout.” Place him in his (or her) “Timeout Spot.”
It will take time. It will take discipline - on your end. It will take an immense amount of LOVE. But, we’ve got to teach them the “right way” to know right from wrong.
Here are a couple of other tips to help alleviate the undeniable explosion inside your cranium.
BE UNDERSTANDING.
Understand that your child (for the most part) wants to make you happy. When he or she openly defies you, know that in their mind they do not understand the importance of your instructions.
Here’s an example.
Your kiddos are outside playing. It’s lunchtime. You’ve made them your world famous Baked Tuna Salad Sandwiches (and you can’t wait to dig in). You yell out “Okay guys, time to come in for lunch!”
The response……”NO!”
Before you blow a gasket for the third time that day, understand that in that moment, what is important to your little “Mini-me” is that he is having fun outside with his sister. Use patience. Use your diplomatic skills. Make sure that they know they can go back outside, but now is lunchtime.
SET EXPECTATIONS.
Kids don’t know it, but they LOVE…no they NEED boundaries. If we do not set boundaries for our kids they will continue to push farther and farther. They need to know where the “line” is. They need to know that when I go beyond “this point” there are going to be consequences. Without this knowledge kids are adrift.
Don’t tell me, “I want my kids to be free and figure it out for themselves.” Sure, that may be a fair enough idea once they have an understanding of what they can and can not do!
Let’s be clear about something. YOU MUST BE CONSISTENT. It can’t be okay for Johnny to spit milk at his sister on Tuesday - and then on Thursday you lose your cool because he did the exact same thing. This will send Johnny into a proverbial tail spin and have no idea which way is up.
REINFORCE GOOD BEHAVIOR.
We’ve got to recognize when our kids do something good! Make a BIG DEAL out of it! Kids need to hear it when they do something good.
When your son uses proper manners - please and thank you - make sure you let him know that he did a good job.
When your daughter sticks up for another little girl on the playground, make sure you make a big deal about how brave she was! Reinforce the GOOD. Don’t dwell on the BAD.
Choose your battles.
This is a rough one. But, is it really the end of the world if Timmy doesn’t want to wear his socks? Why is this something to stand your ground on?
I get it….”well, John, it starts with the socks and then moves to not looking both ways before crossing the street!”
It doesn’t necessarily work that way.
What you’ve got to ask yourself is this:
1) Is this going to hurt him/her or somebody else?
2) Is this going to damage our/others property?
3) Does this behavior conflict with your family values?
If the answers to these questions is - NO. Then it may not be important enough to just WIN THE ARGUMENT. Is it more about you winning - or - is it about setting up good practices for our kids? That’s the question you need to ask.
I’ve been there. “I just want my demon to wear his socks!!” - I’m gonna win this one, damnit!
But really, am I just looking to win or is this something that will hurt/damage/conflict with his life?
So, the next time little Ricky is trying to get a rise out of you. The next time he throws a roll of toilet paper in the toilet. The next time he throws a fit because it’s time for him to come inside for lunch….remember to practice patience & understanding. Set reasonable expectations. Reinforce the good behaviors they exhibit. And, choose your battles.
WORK ON YOUR POKER FACE.