Resilience.
Nobody Said Parenting Was Going To Be Easy.
Here is as typical scenario in my household:
(post bath-time)
Daughter - “Daddy I need help getting dressed.”
Me - “No, honey, you don’t need help. Now please get dressed.”
Daughter - “Yes I doooooooooo! I NEEEEEEED your help!”
Me - “No. Actually, you don’t neeeeeeeeed my help. Now, pleeeeeeease get dressed.”
After a little explosion of not getting her way…she is dressed and downstairs.
Our greatest goal as parents should be to raise RESILIENT kids. I’m sure we have all heard it said before, but we should make us - as parents - obsolete. We have got to raise our kids to be able to fend for themselves. We have to teach them to solve problems. We have to be willing to step back and let them fail.
Believe me, I know it’s hard! But, we are doing our kids a disservice if we are doing everything for them.
Here are some tips on teaching kids how to be RESILIENT.
1) Teach them to be a problem solver.
Ask your child to work his or her problem OUT LOUD. This slows down the thinking process. It gives them space to access understanding. In fact, when we are given a challenge, we should model this behavior. “Think out-loud” for our kids to hear. Let them know that Daddy doesn’t always have the answers right away. Sometimes Daddy needs to think things through also.
2) Don’t just give them the answer.
We have to let our kids struggle to find answers. When we either give them the answer OR answer for them, we are inhibiting their ability to think for themselves. We are keeping them from developing the skills to LOOK for the answer.
3) It’s not the end of the world.
There is more and more pressure put on kids to be perfect. (Obviously, coming from perfect parents….really?) I hate to break it to you, but you were not perfect. We all fell down. We all forgot our dirty clothes at school. We all broke a glass of milk in the kitchen. We’ve got to take the pressure off these kids. It’s impossible to be perfect. It’s not the end of the world! “Okay honey, you forgot your Google Chrome at school. Not the end of the world.” “Okay, so you accidentally spilled grape juice all over your new dress. Not the end of the world.”
4) Encourage them to make mistakes.
We need to teach our kids to FAIL…not necessarily succeed. I know it sounds back-asswards, but hear me out. If we don’t teach our kids to fail, they will never take a chance. They won’t ask that girl out (unless they are certain to succeed). They won’t try out for the tennis team (unless they are certain to succeed). They won’t walk up to another child and ask “you wanna be my friend?” (unless they are certain to succeed). They will miss out on SO MUCH if they are afraid to fail. We’ve got to teach them that failure is good. Failure = Growth.
Resilience is the ability to have inner strength to deal competently and successfully with challenges and demands.
Robert Brooks and Sam Goldstein
5) Don’t do everything for them.
Our kids have to be able to operate in this world without us. If we are always doing things for them we are eliminating their ability to develop life sustaining skills. I think about this quote from Julie Lythcott-Haims (Dean of Freshman at Stanford University) … and if anyone would know, it would be her.
“If our children are to build self efficacy, then they need to do more of the thinking, planning, deciding, hoping, coping, trial and error, dreaming, and experiencing of life for themselves. We may ensure some short-term goals by over helping, but it comes as a long-term cost to their sense of self. We should be more concerned that they have the habits, skill set, mindset, and wellness to be successful no matter what their future holds.”
This is coming from someone that sees moms and dads give their college freshman wake-up calls, advising them on their homework, registering them for class. THESE ARE ALL THINGS THAT THEY MUST FIGURE OUT ON THEIR OWN!
6) Let them sleep!
Oh … my … god. Our kids have got to sleep more. A recent study found that over half of the children in the United States are getting less than 9 hours a of sleep a night. This effects them in countless ways; a diminished curiosity - and thus diminished drive to learn new things. They are less likely to finish their homework - and thus less likely to care about school. A lack of sleep means a less robust immune system - and thus more prone to illness.
“Sleep deprived kids have more behavioral problems, more academic problems, more health problems, more risk-taking behaviors, and more anxiety and mood related problems,” Lynelle Schneeberg, PsyD, an assistant professor at Yale School of Medicine and director of the behavioral sleep program at Connecticut Children’s Medical Center.
Get those kids to bed!
7) One-on-one time with your child.
One way for kids to learn to be brave is for them to KNOW they’ve got someone in their corner. Children develop coping skills within the context of caring relationships. If they KNOW that you’ve got their back - kids will be willing to try anything. The best way to cultivate this is to BE with them. Put down your GOD DAMNED cell phone and BE with your kids. Turn off the EVER LOVING television and BE with your kids. Close your STICKING LAPTOP and BE with your kids. BE WITH THEM and you will be amazed at what they can do!
Our job as a parent is to render ourselves obsolete. The only way to do that is to teach our kids to be resilient.
So, the next time your little snow-flake says, “No thanks Dad. I can do it.” don’t feel sad - be glad that they are developing the capacity to do it for themselves.