It’s Independence Day! Kid style…

Nobody Said Parenting Was Going To Be Easy.

Here is the scenario:

YESTERDAY: My daughter is an amazing, well behaved, well mannered, happy-go-lucky, willing to help, literal Apple of My Eye.

TODAY: My daughter is the sassiest, most impatient, biggest know-it-all, unwilling to help out, stinker in the family.

What the HELL happened!?!?

I can tell you what happened….it’s Independence Day!

So, our little Macaroni & Cheese loving darlings are doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing:

Learning to challenge authority and test the limits of their independence.

When our youngsters decide they want to “Do it myself” they are expanding who they are!

This is a good thing and a sign of a healthy attachment with Dad & Mom.

Ugh…. 😩

As a parent, this phase of life is No Bueno. Not fun. But, not only is it essential to our children’s development it is (surprising) a wonderful time to connect with our kids!

Between 4 & 6 years old is when our children start to exercise their independence. This is a naturally occurring “phase” in a child’s life. A major catalyst for this phase is going off to kindergarten. Even if your child has been going to “child care” there is a decided difference between child care and a “Big” school. Once they get to school there is an expectation that they can fend for themselves. They can tie their own shoes. They can wipe their own butts. They can remember to put on their jacket when it is cold outside….heck, they can put their own jacket on!

Getting this little taste of independence starts their little brains churning. “What else am I in charge of in my life?” They will begin to push back when given instructions. They may start to be rude in their responses. Here’s a little tactical advice: DON’T MAKE A HUGE DEAL OUT OF IT. The bigger your reaction - the bigger their reaction (and subsequent repeating the rudeness). In a calm and firm voice tell them “That is not acceptable behavior. We don’t talk that way - or act that way - in our house.”

"The challenge of parenting lies in finding the balance between nurturing, protecting, and guiding your child, and allowing her to explore, experiment, and become an independent, unique person," says California family therapist Jane Nelsen, author of the Positive Discipline book series.

But, all of this Independence Seeking is GOOD! It shows you that you are doing a good job of parenting!

Here’s the facts; children have a need to feel connection. They have a need for a sense of belonging, warmth and love. If those needs are met, they will feel a need to grow into a unique and independent person. ALL OF THIS IS PREDICATED ON HAVING A STRONG RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM. So, if your child is expressing their independence you are winning!

Here are some tips to cultivate that Connectedness:

1) Be there. I mean, just physically be there. When your child is having a meltdown just physically be there. They will, most likely, not want anything to do with you in the moment. And, that is fine. Give them the space to “Feel” the emotions they are feeling. Don’t take that from them. BUT, let them know that you are still there to help them. You don’t have to talk to them. You don’t have to calm them down…just be there.

2) I’ve said it before…and I’ll say it again: Routine, Routine, Routine. Give your children the gift of routine. This grounds them in “Knowing” things are okay. Take away the chaos and the questioning. If we give them the gift of a routine, they will be much more at ease. They will search for that stability. Give it to them.

3) Let them know you love them. Say it. Again. And again. And again. And again. You can still be a strong, stoic, macho man and tell your kids you love them. Heck, if saying it to your kids is hard for you to do - You Are Showing Them They Can Do Hard Things Too! Don’t take the easy way and NOT say it. Take the hard road and SAY IT.

4) Be consistent with disciplining your children. Especially during this stage, kids will push the boundaries of what is acceptable behavior. It is your job to keep things consistent. If it’s okay for your little princess to throw her food one day, but the next day you blow up on her…she is not getting the consistent message of what is okay and what isn’t. Be consistent with all of your kids. (I know it’s hard) But, what is or isn’t good for Jimmy - must also be good or not good for Sally.

Create connection with your kids. Allow them to grow. Encourage them to become independent beings!